In Christian circles, it is often believed that repentance means there should be no consequences. This is never stated, but for all practical purposes, it is a belief held quite tenaciously. It is also commonly believed in Christian circles, that because a person says he has repented, it must be true. And if that person can then perform his “repentance” in front of others, all the better for his story.
It is when some other person takes this repentance and exposes it for the falsehood that it is, that the uproar begins. No one wants to believe that a man who mourns his condition, apologizes fiercely for his sin, and weeps over the loss of his family has some ulterior motive. Likewise, no one wants to believe the wife who challenges his sincerity and does not immediately obey his command to return.
Something happens, though, when abuse occurs. More than the just physical or emotional maiming of a life, there is the destruction of a relationship that may never be restored. When a man so abuses his wife that she flees and does not even miss the man that she fled, he has caused more damage than the naked eye can see. The common Christian counselors miss it (or ignore it) because they are only looking for change. At the first glimpse of brokenness or sorrow over sin, they jump all over it, inwardly touting their own skill at helping others. For some reason they are never taught that their subjects may be performing a great drama in their office, and returning home to further abuse the family. For the wife who sees this, she feels utterly alone and helpless to do anything. Attempts at revealing the true nature of her husband only cause the counselor to believe she is bitter and hard. And when that wife becomes convinced that the marriage is dissolved, she is in sin and the Bible is used as a weapon to bludgeon her with guilt.
For those who have not experienced this, it is often very hard for them to understand why an abused wife would not return to her repentant husband. Does she not love him? Does she not care about her husband and children? It is somehow not possible for them to view the intricacies of their own marriage and recognize the damage that is caused to all areas when even one is violated. She is supposed to want and desire to immediately return to him, resume physical intimacy with him, and proceed as if nothing ever happened. But for the woman who has had her self stripped barren of all dignity and value, that may never be possible.
I have been, am, and forever will be this woman. While I am not still removed of my me-ness, I am considered by many to be the one in sin, unrepentant, unjustified, unbiblical, and with a seared conscience, unable to acknowledge conviction of sin. What these accusers are unwilling to recognize, is that I am also the one who was told by her “repentant” husband, that she would be better off dead than separated from him. I was told that the children and I should be cast out on the street without any resources. We would then be faced with our need for him and would happily return. My situation was likened to that of a prodigal child and an unwed mother depending on her parents. Yet I was expected to desire a reunion with this man. It became a sin for me to allow the natural consequences of abuse to run their course. Because he was able to produce tears on demand, his acts toward his wife and children were ignored and the attention turned toward his rebellious wife.
While I could ramble on and on about the inconsistencies of so-called Christian counselors and their unwillingness to really see truth, there is more of my story to be told. Through it all there is likely to be a thread of frustration that therapists are not more informed and open-minded. The reader will also notice the reality that just because my husband claimed repentance, the desire for reconciliation is absolutely non-existent. When my entire personality was violated, so was the marriage covenant. My refusal to return is the natural ramification of a broken vow.
It is my hope that someday there will be more understanding in “Christian circles” for wives who feel abuse to protect themselves and their children. Someday I hope they will be seen as whole people who truly hold marriage in highest esteem and in so doing will not submit to its abuse.
Gwen, thank you for writing this. You made me want to stand up and shout "YES!" and "AMEN!" I wish every counselor in the world (and the church, especially) would read your words, and understand.
J.
Posted by: Jeannie Taylor | June 21, 2004 at 04:26 PM