It’s really not as simple as you think—this business of marrying an abuser. In fact, it requires the methodic loss of key life skills, and the gain of other “skills”. Of course, to get to the actual marriage of an abuser, you have to first snag them and keep their interest. This is easier said than done, so it is of utmost importance to discuss the techniques necessary for meeting, maintaining, and marrying an abusive man.
I. Meeting the Man of Your Nightmares
This is probably the easiest part of the entire process, as the number of abusive men rises daily. You can find them anywhere: your local bookstore (they’ll be browsing but never buying, creasing the spines and dog-earing the pages), on the internet (they’ll innocently ask if you would let your hair grow long if they “preferred” it), and even at your local church (where they will frequently be found rubbing shoulders with anyone in authority).
At first, though, they may be difficult to spot. Many of them are smooth talkers, clean cut, with nice teeth. (Still, there are others who never bathe and have had the same haircut since 1989.) Because they enjoy the instant gratification of a blushing female, they may shower you with compliments and praises. Just keep listening… this will last only as long as their simple desire to see you blush. As their needs increase, so will the demands. In case you’re afraid you won’t notice this subtle act, remember to look back at the early days and compare. This is the only way you will feel confident of having found the abuser you desire.
II. Maintaining the Ego of a Broken Record
Broken records only say one thing, and they say it over and over and over again. Abusive men are no different, although the uninformed victim might overlook his methods if she is not educated. The average abuser has a mantra that keeps his lifestyle alive. Listen closely and you will hear it: Yourjobistomakemehappy.
InMEyouliveandbreatheandhave yourbeing.
Withoutmeyouhavenootherpurpose.
To maintain a functional relationship with an abuser, it is crucial to understand his life motto and to satisfy it daily. When this does not happen, either the abuse will escalate to far less comfortable proportions, or you will be dropped. To avoid either scenario, you must play your cards right.
Remember these rules for Maniac Maintenance:
1. A “request” is a command. Obey immediately.
2. His wish is your command. Respond appropriately.
3. Your life is his to alter. Do not resist.
4. His faults are your fault. He treats you like a child only because you act like one.
5. Your friends are his to steal. Do not expect to ever have normal friendships again. Hey, the sacrifice is worth it, right?
6. Your family is unimportant and uninvolved, except when they’re over-involved—which is always. Don’t you know what it means to “leave and cleave?"
7. His freely-given “rebukes” are always well-deserved. You really should have known better.
8. What’s yours is his, and what’s his is also his. Stop being so selfish.
9. Forgiving means forgetting—completely. You shouldn’t be so bitter.
10. Your job is to serve him. Isn’t that in the Bible somewhere?
11. These are secret rules. Don’t ask, Don’t tell. Obey them perfectly.
There you have the 11 essential maxims for the proper upkeep and continuance of a perfectly unhealthy abusive relationship.
III. Marrying the Man behind the Mask
Now that you know how to nurture the high needs of your budding relationship, it’s time to examine the issues surrounding marriage to your Commandant (we will cover other “pet names” for your abuser in later classes). Remember not to expect too much romance. For a man with such a single and high-maintenance need, it would be too time-consuming for any great thought to go into, well, anything. Expect utter simplicity and be happy if you get lemon in your water. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to the monotony.
When he asks you to marry him, it’s completely normal to feel an obligation to answer “yes” based out of fear rather than love. In fact, you’re likely to think it was your “fault” that he proposed anyway. He probably felt sorry for you, and this is his attempt to provide some stability in your life. Remember, you’ve been unable to cope with much of life since this relationship began, and you know it’s because of your deep-seated needs for affection and approval. At least, that’s what he tells you, and he’s never wrong. Isn’t this exciting?
As the day approaches for your wedding, it is wise for the no-longer-blushing bride to prepare for certain responses to time-honored events. Your abuser will likely be offended that he is not invited to every bridal shower (this will apply to the water kind after you are married), he will pout when the gift registry includes more kitchen items than garage items, and you may be asked to present your vows for approval. I repeat: this is normal, and you will adapt.
Your wedding day will be a blur, and your honeymoon will be the official consummation of your abuse. Now you are alone, and you will be silently ordered to obey rule #11 flawlessly. Only disrespectful wives tell anyone about their husband’s rancid behavior. But you have taken this class and you are prepared to give up everything you have ever known or loved to be the wife you think he wants. Of course, you’ll never get it just right, but that’s half the fun!
Comments