My first awareness that I'd married a cruel person was after our first child was only a few months old. Hal was minding the baby, holding him in his lap while he read a professional journal. From the next room, I heard the previously peaceful baby suddenly cry and went to find out what was wrong. Hal said he'd put an ice cube from his ice water on the baby's back, and evidently he didn't like it. Shocked, I said, "Why on earth would you do that?" He replied, matter of factly, "I was curious about what he'd do."
It was a chiling experience for me, not only for the baby. What kind of man had I married, who would put ice on a tiny baby's skin just to see what he'd do? I couldn't imagine a loving parent doing that, not even a parent who wasn't particularly loving.
Hal didn't want to be left with the baby for any length of time. Before I'd go out on an errand or doctor's appointment he'd quiz me on how long I'd be gone, what I'd be doing, and insist I be back as soon as possible. If I took a little longer, he'd be upset about it when I returned. It was as if he didn't actually want to be with the child for more than a few minutes. He also seemed clumsy with the baby, not able to read cues to what was comfortable and not comfortable. Increasingly, I realized he was that way with me too. He seemed unable to truly empathize with another person, so much wrapped in his own self as to be unable to perceive what others needed or felt.
A second big rememberance of his cruelty was the period of time before the birth of our second child. He came home from the office one evening during the eighth month of my pregnancy, preoccupied, as I later learned, about having to let an employee go. I'd saved some little piece of childhood behavior our older son had done that day, eager to tell him about it. He cut me off as I began to share it, and demanded to know why I'd not taken out the trash.
After answering his question, I said, "I was going to tell you about something special, but you've ruined it now." He demanded that I tell him, and when I wouldn't, he suddenly grabbed my arm with one hand, and punched me hard with the other one, the blow landing on my shoulder. He'd never hit me before, and I was stunned and began to cry.
His excuse later was that he was upset about the situation at work. But, it was a watershed moment for me. I now knew that he was definitely not the man I'd thought I married, and not someone I wanted to be with. However, like all women about to give birth, I knew this would be bad timing to leave, so I didn't, but my plans to do so began right there.
He'd also make it difficult for me to have naps during the latter part of the pregnancy, doing something that made noise, waking me to ask a question, finding something that I needed to do. He had a talent for making anything already difficult, more difficult for me.
Hal has only hit me purposefully one time since then (probably because I told him after the first incident that he'd have to sleep sometime and if he ever hit me again I'd wait until he was asleep and dent his head with my cast iron skillet), kicking me hard when I brushed against his bruised arm . But, he has "accidentally" caused me many discomforts.
His cruelty also included ruining things: trips, visits, eating out, recreational activities, holidays, company meals. He'd do something to spoil the atmosphere, like jerking a child out of a chair and spanking them for a minor offense, or any number of inconveniences and embarrassments he'd create for us. He is a genius at creating unpleasant experiences for others during what would otherwise be happy times. I got to the place where I'd dread those happy time events, knowing that more often than not Hal would trash them somehow, but not knowing when or how it would happen.
He had a way of making the children cry soon after he came home from work, and he'd set them up at the dinner table to need punishment. At least he decided they needed punishment. He'd entrap them, and when they'd respond, he'd punish them for their response.
The children also would frequently get hurt "accidentally" when left in his care. Finally, I told him that if any one of them were ever hurt significantly while in his care that I'd leave him immediately, and not come back no matter what. After that, the accidents stopped.
Years later I realized I'd painted myself into a corner with that edict. When I eventually decided I could now leave him I knew that I'd have to allow him joint custody and unsupervised visitation. I would never be able to convince a judge that they were not safe in his care. I realized my presence was the only guarnantee for their safety. I stayed.
Diane,
I felt like I could have written this myself. The situations you described are IDENTICAL to what I experienced. Thank you for sharing and for helping to open the eyes of other women in need.
Posted by: Gwen | November 28, 2005 at 03:18 PM
Do these men take a class so they all act alike? How did you marry MY husband? It's comforting to know that I am not alone, but scary to think that there are so many like him out there.
It takes a lot of courage to stay, more than it takes to leave. I worry about my daughter's safety, and feel guilty for saving myself. Should I have stayed, like you? What a nasty position to be in, huh?
Posted by: Haley | June 13, 2008 at 03:30 PM
I left for a while, even had our divorce finalized. However I, like you, found that if I wasn't there to protect my girls he could abuse them and I would never know. They will both be finished with school soon and I will be free to leave. I have no money, no car, no job, and No self esteem left... I'm afraid that I am far to damaged to find my way out of here and manage to make it on my own. I'm scared and so very sad.
Posted by: sheri | May 04, 2011 at 09:24 PM